a warning sign
I’m going to share with you a moment that to this day sends chills down my spine. You may be interested to know that this entry contains some very personal information that I’ll probably have doubts about posting, but here goes.
It was the heat of the moment, when Rob decided not to use a condom. I was puzzled as I was no longer on the pill and he hadn’t expressed any wish to start trying for kids. When I questioned him on it he blurted out something he probably didn’t even think twice about. “Well honey, with the way your system works, you’re not going to be pregnant any time soon.”
*shudder*
I’m not trying to vilify my husband. He stuck his foot in his mouth and apologized for it. 5 months later I would have a positive pregnancy test that proved to both of us that I could in fact get pregnant relatively soon. But for a time there, I was really not sure I would ever see those double pink lines without some serious intervention.
The reason I am sharing all of this, is because I am currently on Nor Q D. A mini-pill variety of birth control. It contains no estrogen because estrogen makes uterine fibroids grow larger. I don’t need my tumors to be any bigger, thank you. It was our original plan for me to have a mirena iuc implanted but after the revelation that my intervention-free childbearing days are numbered, we decided to opt for the mini-pill instead. The mini pill does not induce a menstrual cycle the same way estrogen HBC pills do. Irregular cycles are pretty normal. I know this. I also know that it’s still up to my body when I cycle. So I admit that I find the fact I have not had a period since January 6th of this year just a little unsettling.
Robert tells me I need to schedule my annual tune-up with the Dr. just a little early this year if I’m so concerned. I agree. I want to know if something is up. But at the same time, I don’t want to know. I’m so afraid. It’s my worst fear. What if the fibroids (which were only discovered when my labor failed to progress and I had to be rushed into an emergency C-section) are just the tip of the iceberg? What if it’s gotten worse? What if nothing is wrong at all? What if there is no medical reason why I can’t have another child, but somehow, I can’t?
I’d like to pause right here and note that I am 100% for adopting a child and even plan to do so in the future. I would rather take the money it would cost for endless treatments and put it toward the cost of adopting a child that needs a loving home.
It’s the feeling like a dud that bothers me, I admit. Most of my life I’ve felt like a dud. I have endless amounts of things wrong with my body on the outside and now apparently on the inside. Both physically and emotionally. Robert doesn’t make me feel like a dud. James doesn’t make me feel like a dud. But it’s hard to escape the feeling when you’re surrounded by it in your own head. Last week Robert and I went to see Up. There is a scene in the first 10 minutes of the movie when Ellie (Carl’s wife) learns she can’t bear children. There is no dialogue. It’s a montage scene of their married life. They sit in the doctor’s office, she holds her head in her hands. She sits on a chair in the backyard and stares. The wind blowing through her hair. It knocked the wind out of me.
I’m young. I’m 24 years old. Plenty of people my age have no definitive plans to have children in the next 10 years. Plenty of 20 something girls have never had to talk about whether or not they will need a hysterectomy with their doctor. (Note to self, I think I need a new doctor.) On that note, I would hate to go through the song and dance of setting up a rapport with another doctor. I trust the doctor I have now. But she doesn’t talk to me. She has so many patients parading in and out of her office that she hardly says hello to you before she says “see you next year”. I want to sit down with her and discuss what’s going on with my body. I want to know exactly and definitively what my chances are and what the reality and depth of the situation is. I had hoped that at my annual (which is due in november) I would be able to talk to her about going off Nor Q D and perhaps how I should go about planning another pregnancy. I don’t know if I can wait that long.
This entry is pretty heavy, I admit. And for that I apologize. But it’s nice to get some of the weight off of my heart.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:24 am
You are not a dud, Ash. Everyone feels that way at some point, or often, or always–underlying everything in it’s sneaky, lurking, furtive ways. The thing to remember is that you’re setting up a standard that isn’t realistic, and this is what catches us. We assume we should be something more, and we also assume that everyone else sees us against that standard. But honestly, I think most people see you and think “damn, if I could only get it together like her!”
If you have questions, you should seek answers. If not with your doctor, there’s ought to be other sources. I’d hate to say ask jeeves, but *laughs* you know. High school answers shouldn’t solve our problems. 9___9
And whether or not you can have a kid, or if your problem is worse, or non-existent…stop sweating over it. Deal with the present. You have a son, and a husband (foot in mouth included) and you’ve got challenges and surprises and wonders and obstacles now to enjoy or be confounded by. Rather than looking back with regret or fear that your past-self has caught up to you, or forward with dread of the unknown, look at the beauty of NOW because now only comes once, and it’s happening. Like…NOW.
And believe it or not, I love you NOW. And you’re not a dud NOW. <3<3<3
June 15th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Hahah. Sorry Ash. I went a bit Zen on you. It’s this crazy book I’m reading.
But if you get anything from that last comment, it’s that you’re wonderful as you. And that I love you always. Dearly, not queerly. Forever, etc etc. <3
June 15th, 2009 at 9:41 am
hahahahaha. I remember signing all of our notes that way in school.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
*hugs you tight*
June 15th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
even without FT’s I know how you feel. I mean realisitcally I felt like a complete dud and failure as a woman last year after my surgery when I learned there was really no reason I HADN’T gotten pregnant again over the past 18 months. It sounds a bit morbid but at least if she’d found SOMETHING it would have explained WHY. I have friends who have gotten pregnant with an IUD in and that is .01% chance of happening. Trust me that makes me feel like a dud. I guess the thing I’ve learned this year while strictly avoiding pregnancy for the first time in my life is that it’s ok if Megan (or James) is our only child because thank god we had at least one. People think I am being negative when I say that, but I’m like no it’s not negative its merely REALISTIC. I mean I’ve been with Nathan for almost 12 years and never used condoms and only about 1 year total was birth control pills used… I ought to have a liter the way other people pop em out (lol). I think you need to express to your dr it’s not ok with you she has blown you off over this for over a year now. Don’t make a pap appt make a consultation visit. If you say pap they won’t talk to you about ANYTHING else b/c thats how the insurances are these days… if its a pap all they can do is a pap if its a consult they have to talk to you about your issue/concerns.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Wow. I have loved many wonderful women (do I say it? dearly, not queerly) that have had your issues as well as other. I have been there for the roller coaster ride, seen the pain that off the cuff remarks about pregnancies, children and impending births have caused.
You are a strong and amazing woman and mommy.
If you ever need another shoulder (or…computer screen?) I’m here.
Angel, aka TheMommyTsunami